Quit Ruining My Body

I’m not going to tell you that I had a banging, swing-from-a pole, video vixen body before kids. No, I won’t tell that lie. However, my lower stomach was NOT all poochy, with a noticeable C-section scar. I did not have stretch marks galore on my hips and across my butt (which my daughter got started, but her brother perfected). I happened to have her first, naturally, and she was clearly right at home and comfy because that chick didn’t emerge until after 27 hours of labor, a cut where NO ONE ever wants a cut, and a damn vacuum placed on her head to yank her out! 21 years later, I’m still baffled by this level of laziness. She wasn’t even trying! My girlie parts weren’t right for a solid year. And let’s spend some time on the boobs. I read all of the books and decided to breast feed. Well, I did EXACTLY what they told me NOT to do. You’re supposed to switch sides every time they eat, but I let them both nurse on one side more than the other. Let’s just say that had I breastfed for 10 more minutes, I’d be the perfect candidate for that show Botched. Have any of you ever seen the picture of the entertainer Teyana Taylor like two days after she gave birth??? Forget the Grand Canyon—THAT is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life! Her stomach was smooth and FLAT! She must have some different kind of skin from regular people.  Granted, unlike me, she may not have eaten two slices of pizza and two scoop sundaes right up to the moment of delivery (which, by the way happened on her bathroom floor!!!) but STILL! My brow is still furrowed thinking about it and her daughter is like 5.

At my 10 week check up with my son, they discovered that my blood pressure was rising and wouldn’t come down on its own. Now, I won’t place ALL of the blame in his lap, but they did tell me that he kick started high blood pressure that I would have gotten later in life. So, you do the math…it’s at least like 68% his fault.

Now it’s time for every mom’s familiar foe—pure exhaustion. Whether they are throwing up all night from eating the exact thing you told them not to eat; putting their blazing hot leg on your torso while they sleep with you because they are afraid of “monsters” or driving for the first time late at night, you aren’t going to get a wink of sleep. And your face will definitely show it in the morning. Let’s be real, if you have melanin, it can only do so much. I’m convinced that all of those eye creams and anti-aging serums were created by moms who were either staring at the ceiling with worry or up at 2 am washing pissy sheets. You ever see these kid-free chicks? All fresh faced and well rested. Taking pictures with their passports and skipping around like they are in a damn tampon commercial. Stomachs all tight and boobs all even. Whatever.

Hey, at least we’ll have someone to take care of us in our Golden Years. Who am I kidding? I’m just hoping that my roommate at the nursing home only screams in the daytime.