Quit Jumping Off of Stuff

-

If I’ve said, “I’m NOT taking you to the emergency room” once, I’ve said it a million times. Kids, especially boys, are dare devils. They want to stand on stuff they are not supposed to. They want to jump off of counters. They want to run around a house of tile with socks on. They want to dive off of furniture to perform wrestling moves on unsuspecting teddy bears. This shit stresses me out and makes me want, no need wine. Yes, I’m concerned they will get genuinely hurt and of course, no one wants that. However, in addition to that, I’m thinking big picture here. I’m in my pjs, I’m about to relax, I want to chill in peace. I do NOT want to sit in a bright hospital, after driving there with you screaming at the top of your lungs for the doctor to probably need to do something to you that’s gonna require me to help them hold your ass down. Then all of this gets followed up with a bill that I now have to fit into my budget. If you would just sit.the.hell.down, we could all be happy. Ok, maybe not you because you’ve fancied yourself a WWE wrestler and I’ve crushed your dreams, but I promise you, this is better for all of us. 

I thought my son was the ultimate no limit soldier until my grandson came along. This dude (four years old at this writing) will literally climb his little self onto ANYTHING. Just yesterday my daughter called me and told me that while in the grocery store, she turned her back for one moment to check a price and when she turned around, this dude had climbed onto a free standing freezer and was, wait for it…dancing. Of course, as his mother, she was outraged because she knew that dreaded emergency room visit could be in her immediate future. I, on the other hand, was THOROUGHLY amused and got off the phone laughing.

There is another reason I avoid the hospital/dr’s office like the plague. In addition to the ridiculous co-pays and the fact that insurance will only cover something AFTER you’ve spent $1000s of dollars, I also hate to go because of my daughter…Evil Knievel's mother. You see, she is a hypochondriac and has been that way since she was little. You know how kids ask you for a bandaid for non-existent boos boos? Well, that just never stopped with her. She has called me and told me that her joints are loose. (Huh?) She has called to tell me that she is (randomly) losing the cartilage in her nose. (Girl, what?)  She has told me that she needs to have her teeth filed down because they are bumpy. (They are not.) Something is always wrong with this girl. Now that she’s grown (BUT still on my insurance since she’s in college), I get the summaries of her visits from the insurance company. I have stopped opening them.

Bottomline: Sit down somewhere and watch your show. Hurt or not, I’m not going ANYWHERE.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Quit Ruining My Body

-
I’m not going to tell you that I had a banging, swing-from-a pole, video vixen body before kids. No, I won’t tell that lie. However, my lower stomach was NOT all poochy, with a noticeable C-section scar. I did not have stretch marks galore on my hips and across my butt (which my daughter got started, but her brother perfected). I happened to have her first, naturally, and she was clearly right at home and comfy because that chick didn’t emerge until after 27 hours of labor, a cut where NO ONE ever wants a cut, and a damn vacuum placed on her head to yank her out! 21 years later, I’m still baffled by this level of laziness. She wasn’t even trying! My girlie parts weren’t right for a solid year. And let’s spend some time on the boobs. I read all of the books and decided to breast feed. Well, I did EXACTLY what they told me NOT to do. You’re supposed to switch sides every time they eat, but I let them both nurse on one side more than the other. Let’s just say that had I breastfed for 10 m
Read more

Welcome to the Dark World of Parenting

-
Let me be clear. I love my children. I even planned them. I’m talking counting days and ovulation tests to get them here. I wanted them, prayed for them, danced a jig when I saw those positive pregnancy tests. Feeling their kicks was pure joy.   They are two people I would kill for (well at least maim—I don’t look great in orange or jumpsuits). I kiss and hug them non-stop. They are my favorites. HOWEVER…they get on my #$%^& nerves. I mean, no one drives me bonkers quite like those two. They are the primary reason  that I journal, use hair dye, and why my fridge might not have milk in it, but always has wine. So, I’m writing this blog for all of us. The ones who truly love their children but have had thoughts of driving them to a  forest and leaving them there. Oh, that’s just me? Yeah, ok. I’m tired of the shaming of “real” parents. I’m tired of the fake smiles and the stories about how motherhood is the  best thing since sliced bread.   I’m tired of people pretend
Read more

Quit Keeping Me Awake

-
One of the most popular questions for parents of newborns is, “How is the baby sleeping?” I have asked this question many times but I must admit that it was for petty reasons. I wanted them to say that the kid actually never slept at all. My misery wanted company. I literally despise people who tell me their babies have been sleeping through the night as soon as they got home from the hospital. First off, you’re lying. Secondly, why must we always play this game where you have to be better than I? Finally, you’re a damn liar (Yep, I listed that twice on a very short list). I don’t believe it and I have decided that it’s not real. It’s like those people who like to brag about their baby walking super early. You want a gold star for them being able to wreck your house and wind up in the ER at 8 months old when everyone knows they are MUCH easier to keep alive when they stay where you put them? I don’t believe your baby walked that early and I’ve got another bulletin for you…. NO ONE
Read more