Quit Keeping Me Awake

One of the most popular questions for parents of newborns is, “How is the baby sleeping?” I have asked this question many times but I must admit that it was for petty reasons. I wanted them to say that the kid actually never slept at all. My misery wanted company. I literally despise people who tell me their babies have been sleeping through the night as soon as they got home from the hospital. First off, you’re lying. Secondly, why must we always play this game where you have to be better than I? Finally, you’re a damn liar (Yep, I listed that twice on a very short list). I don’t believe it and I have decided that it’s not real. It’s like those people who like to brag about their baby walking super early. You want a gold star for them being able to wreck your house and wind up in the ER at 8 months old when everyone knows they are MUCH easier to keep alive when they stay where you put them? I don’t believe your baby walked that early and I’ve got another bulletin for you….NO ONE gives a shit.

When my daughter was little, we lived in a one bedroom apartment so her crib was in my bedroom. She slept in the bed with me until she was three months old, when she scooted past my poorly placed pillows and wound up on the floor.  (Quick hilarious side note. My then husband and I were already separated by that point so I called him to tell him she'd fallen off the bed. He rushed over to check on her and while I was cuddling her in the living room, I heard a loud thud. This man had rolled off the bed, on purpose, to see what it was like for her. LOL!) That day she became a new resident of her crib. However, I’d already created a monster and by the time I’d moved her to her crib, if I’d try to sleep in my bed without her, she screamed her little face off. So, what did I do? Well, the clear solution to me was to put a Nancy Wilson CD (I STILL have no idea why 25 year old me even owned a Nancy Wilson CD) on repeat in my boombox from college and sleep on the couch in the living room. I did this for a full year and a half. Suuuurrreeee, go ahead and judge me. You’ll find as you read more that my life’s mantra is “peace at all costs.” I don’t do well with a lot of ruckus and nonsense. She was a screeching loon and frankly, it freaked me out. So, if I had to play that CD ALL night to get her to chill out and also take my breast milk scented self to the living room, then so be it. Small price to pay. 

Now, my son was NO better. He screamed his belly button loose and I had to tape a quarter to the thing to press it back down (old wives’ tale but he has a perfectly good button now, so you know, it worked). His favorite times to wake up the entire house were either 2 am to 4 am or 3 am to 5 am. You could count on two solid hours of pure unrest. We drove him around the neighborhood, and then when he’d finally fall asleep, the rising garage door would wake his loud ass up again. *sigh* This was how he was from day one but then he added more to his repertoire. He somehow got himself a touch of colic and screamed at the top of his lungs from 6 pm to about 8 pm every evening. It was during this time that I could sympathize with the folks who took their baby to their mom’s house and just never came back. I get it. It’s rough.

While my daughter got the boot from my bed at three months, my son was in there until he was three and a half years old. He was tall for his age and not super interested in sleeping properly in the bed. You were bound to wake up to a toe in your eye or his hot leg strewn across your torso. It was a special day when he FINALLY agreed to get in his toddler bed, which had to be placed a few inches from my bed. That’s one of the things about dealing with these kids—they are bullies and terrorists.