Quit Spending All of My Money

My son has turned into quite the label junkie. Well, to be more specific, he’s a “sneaker-head” and peruses Amazon.com ad nauseum checking out the new releases and dropping them into the virtual cart. He then calls me into his room to show me his latest find. I end up deleting them right out of that cart. I promise you, if I could get my hands around Michael Jordan’s neck, I would do so with a smile. I swear he has sent some subliminal mind game stuff to get young men to follow him and his shoes like a cult. I could not care less about his shoes and the fact that my son is obsessed with them. One of the reasons I enrolled him in a school that required uniforms was to avoid this very thing. But nooooooo, “I need sneakers for the weekend, Mom, and to walk into school and to leave school.” This topic gives me an instant attitude. Few things irritate like being asked to buy stuff I think is ridiculous. $150+ sneakers couldn’t get any dumber. I say No and then he’s annoyed with me. There is this vicious cycle of turmoil and the blame lies squarely in the lap of a basketball player who hasn’t even played the game in decades.

Now, that girl child of mine is doing her best to render me completely penniless in a whole different way. She understood growing up that I was 100% NOT buying super expensive shoes and clothes. I’ll give her that. However, before I let too many praises fly around, she has reached epic levels of money spending/wasting. I’ve got a few examples for ya, that might make you feel better about your life, or at least help you feel less alone.

#1 Scenario:
I’m minding my business in my bedroom (always my favorite place to be on Earth), in she walks.

Her: So….um, guess what? (I already know this is gonna cost me money or my sanity).
Me: What? (I say this with an insta-attitude)
Her: So, my dumb school CLAIMS that I didn’t turn in my scientific calculator and I won’t be able to graduate if I don’t. (Note: I’d like you to know that this is probably about 4-5 days before high school graduation.)
Me: Are you f'ing serious?
Her: Um, yeah. So…we need to get one.
Me: *sigh* Of course we do.

Cut to me online, and in Kmart and Target, attempting to find a scientific calculator that we aren’t even going to open that is under $90. The heavens smiled on me and Target had a dusty one in the back for $50. Still, Grrrrrrr.

#2 Scenario:
Her: Mooooooommmmmmm. (Even typing that made me mad.)
Me: Yes, honey? (I’m already exasperated and the conversation hasn’t started)
Her: My phone just stopped working!!!!
Me: Oh yeah? (Extremely cavalier, cuz I honestly don’t care anything about her phone.)
Her (frantic): YES! And I’ve been trying to power it on but it won’t come on. Ohhhh, all my pictures and stuff are going to be lost! I have to go to the Sprint store right now! Are they open? Oh my goodness! Why do bad things ALWAYS happen to me? *crying now*
Me: I don’t know, my dear (weary, cuz we have this “broken phone” conversation about twice a year). Go to the Sprint store and see what they can do.
Her: Ok, Mom. If I have to get a new phone, can I just add it to the bill?
Me: I mean, you’re going to do that anyway, right? (As I turn over to signal that this discussion is over.)
Her: Ok, Mom, thanks. I’ll let you know what they say.
Me (under my breath): “Don’t bother. I already know what they are going to say.”
(Note: A few years ago, this girl genuinely went through FOUR phones in one year. We got a letter from the insurance company that essentially said, “You are ill equipped to own a phone. We are done with you.”)

#3 Scenario:
The boy and I are about to head to the football field for his LAST game of the season. I mean, we are done. No more for months and months. Here goes…
Him: Mom, have you seen my mouthguard?
Me: No, I have not. Did you check in the car?
Him: Yes and it’s not in there.
Me: Well, where the hell did you put it?? I always tell you to put it in the same place! Why would you move it?
Him: *Stands there with a blank look*
Me: *sighs and storms off*
Him: They won’t let me play without it.
Me: Yes, I know!

So, off we go, to the sporting goods store to buy a mouthpiece on the LAST day of football!!! Grrrrr.

My nursing home better be PLUSH.