Quit following me around, with a side of, "Why won't you give me a hug?"

There is no more effective stalker than a needy toddler. How many of you have been walking, minding your own business, turned around abruptly and knocked the little crumb snatcher over because they were so close on your heels? You want ‘em, you cuddle and coddle them and then, at some point, all you want out of life is for them to sit on another piece of furniture. I know I’m not alone finding myself in a bathroom with a child banging on the door and crying because they haven’t seen you in 10 seconds. One day, as I was trying to steal a moment to myself in the bathroom, in walks my daughter, who might have been three at the time. Well, it was nearing the end of “that time of the month” and since she was ALL in my face, she sees the pad and says, “Oooohhhhh, you pooped on yourself! Ohhhhhhhhh. Bad Mommy!” Little girl, if I could have had just TWO minutes by my damn self in here, neither one of us would be experiencing this trauma.

My son, who is 13 years old at this writing, can pretty much take or leave my presence but he certainly wasn’t always that way. He couldn’t figure out why I needed to book a sitter because I didn’t ever need to go anywhere. I could just sit there with him. One time, I decided I wanted to FINALLY go to a monthly poetry reading event. I had him go over to his sister’s so I could go. I got all cute, which means I put on something other than work clothes or yoga pants (which are really the only two categories of clothing I own), slapped on some lipgloss and went on my way. I dropped him off at 9:15 pm. At 10:26 pm, I get a text from “Bubba” that says, “Mom! When are you coming to get me?” Um, say what now? I’m thinking, “I genuinely JUST dropped you off! I have on heels and my evening eyeshadow!” I found myself negotiating for more time. “Um, what about if I leave here at 11pm? How’s that?” He reluctantly agreed. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that when I got to my daughter’s, this $%%^^& dude was ASLEEP!!

I have noticed a difference between the genders where this affection thing is concerned. By maybe nine years old, my daughter was completely done with any physical contact from me. She cringed through hugs and you can forget trying to kiss her on the cheek. Kisses were SO two years ago. She was a mean lil sucker and I can’t really tell you she’s gotten any better with that whole hugging thing, but I keep squeezing her because, not only do I think it’s hilarious that she hates it but also because she’s my sweet little koala. Now my son? He hung on a bit longer. He’d even demand his evening cuddle time, well into his pre-teens. He would get downright forlorn if we missed that time. But then, like a light switch, he too was done. He was far too old and cool for cuddle time with mom. Now, if I just ask him a question beyond “How was your day?” I’m all in his business, so he says. Then to further annoy him, I say, “I carried you in my body for nine months, got cut from here to here (I exaggerate a bit when I’m demonstrating the C-section scar like they actually tried to saw me in half) and you ran my blood pressure sky high…. I CAN ASK YOU ANY DAMN THING I WANT!!! At this point he’s wishing he had just walked home. *shrugs*